Beneath the Gaze

It was Monday morning, o’dark-thirty to be exact, and I was in the pool – along with 20 other wingnuts who couldn’t think of anything better to do at 5:15am than fling themselves into 75-degree water and swim 4,000 yards (that’s over 150 laps but who’s counting?...) :).

This is the winter off-season for triathletes, and the better part of wisdom (along with last season’s performance) tells me I have improvements to make in all three disciplines of swimming, biking, and running. Of the three, swimming is the most complex and requires the most tenacity and patience – something that doesn’t come easily to most of us ordinary mortals.

I have an excellent triathlon coach, Jennifer Harrison (www.jenharrison.com), who is a rock star triathlete, and who has also gently SHOVED me :) into a Masters swim class. The name Masters is a bit misleading. The moment an individual is over the age of 19, they are considered a Masters swimmer. Though some Masters groups have competitive swim teams, there is no requirement to compete and there are swimmers at every ability – both novice and elite -- who are in the Masters category.

My swim coach is Hap Gentry, who is also excellent. He is very interactive with swimmers who want to improve their stroke and he doesn’t hesitate to offer constructive and immediate feedback to those who desire it.

There is a lot I can do to better my swim technique; at present there are no less than 10 things on my list I need to improve. Monday morning I was in the pool working on two of these items and I was getting frustrated by the minute. I’m in the hunt to lower my swim times and for the present it seems as though I’ve plateaued. Hap walked to end of the lane and met me at the wall. His style is very demonstrative, meaning that in addition to words he physically shows the correct technique to employ, sometimes actually lying on the deck to help the swimmer visualize a streamlined position in the water.

Today it was about closing the gap between my shoulder and head to minimize drag in the water. The goal is to move through the water as efficiently as possible, not to muscle your way to the other side. This is especially important for endurance athletes who swim 1-2 miles and then have another 50-100 miles of biking and running ahead of them in a race – you want to exit the water with plenty of energy left in the tank.

Hap showed me the correct technique this morning, but he also showed me what I actually looked like. And seeing what I was doing wrong was a tough realization that what was in my mind’s eye and what was actually going on were wildly disparate. It was also a bit painful, and several “reasons” (really excuses) for incorrect technique immediately sprung to my lips. Then Hap encouraged me to swim to the other end, while he walked along the deck and watched my attempts at correction.

Seeing (and owning) what I was doing wrong was enough to reckon with, but being under scrutiny was even more difficult, and it occurred to me this is a trait shared by all of mankind. Consider the number one fear for most human beings -- aside from the loss of a spouse or child, the biggest dread people have is public speaking. And why? It’s not so bad to be on a stage at a podium, looking at 100 people in the audience; but to have 100 or potentially 1000 pairs of eyes all looking at us causes numerous and pronounced physiological reactions: trembling, severe perspiration, shaky voice, even temporary loss of memory.

French philosopher Jean Paul Sartre once spoke of the discomfort of being “beneath the gaze.” The idea was that we as human beings, with all our flaws and deep secrets, are deeply uncomfortable being looked at by God, other people, even ourselves. Be honest – when was the last time you could hold someone’s gaze for more than 5 seconds? We all have secrets that if found out by someone else would make us want to run or die. And in those occasions that the “real us” becomes exposed, what is our first reaction – do we fight, do we run, or do we live our lives honestly beneath the gaze of God, others, and ourselves?

Being a professing Christian, I have learned firsthand the difference between the human fight or flight impulse and the incredibly liberating feeling of being completely exposed before a perfect and holy God – and being loved and forgiven anyway. If God has seen all my flaws (even the painful ones I’m hard pressed to admit), and has forgiven me through the death of his Son Jesus, it turns my view of the world upside down – full honesty is now a real possibility. Criticism from others can now be seen as a favor instead of a threat. I can now say Thank You to my critics because my standing before God has been declared as “not guilty” when Jesus took my place by dying on the cross.

It is natural for us to think of ourselves as “pretty ok” when we compare us to other human beings; we can always find someone who is “worse” than we are. But compared to the standard of a holy and perfect God, even the most moral and righteous human being is far from being worthy to come to the Creator on his own merits. God doesn’t just have a perfect standard – He is the perfect standard and breaking even just one law is the same as breaking all of it. If you think that’s harsh, imagine just one drop of H5N1, more commonly known as the bird flu virus, in a gallon of water; it renders the entire amount undrinkable! It’s the same with God’s law – God does not, cannot, grade on a curve. To illustrate with one more example, what would we think of a human judge that “judged on a curve”? Guilt or innocence is an absolute; there is nothing relative about it.

The death of Jesus Christ changed the entire landscape for us flawed human beings. He lived a perfect sinless life and died a criminal’s death an innocent man. The point is he died the death we deserve – we all deserve justice, which is fair treatment for transgressing God, but because of Jesus’ death we instead receive unmerited favor or grace. Believing this in your heart is what makes one a true Christian.

Monday morning in the pool, the excuses for my lack of proficiency in stroke technique never left my lips, and I was reminded that even the most expert scrutiny by a terrific coach is a “favor” to help me become a better swimmer....and to extend that same grace to others who come into my path as God has extended His mercy to an exposed and terribly flawed human being who hardly deserved it.